Sunday Bloody Sunday!!!...

Sunday usually means for me and my family a grand feast of vegetable and fruit salad along with either Chicken or Mutton Biryani or Fried Fish served with coriander chutney along with extra salad on sideys. Go easy on breakfast and hog in lunch... kinda like brunch, Gluttony at its best. My mom cooks best Biryani ever. She is world famous (atleast in my khandaan) for her Biryani. Ppl have turned carnivores by just the smell of Biryani cooking in our kitchen while she is at it. At least my cousin sister did turn into a passionate carnivore thanks to my insisting her to try mom’s biryaani. She was a carnivore and used to love digging into fish before she entered senior secondary. Things changed then, she made frenz with some gals who thought eating chicken/fish/any kinda flesh is so goddamned “EWWWW...”. If that wasn’t enough, she got carried away by stupid preachings of some religious guru and swore never to eat animals (that’s how they put it... ). Anyhow, common sense prevailed and thanks to me recently she turned into a passionate carnivore. She recently got engaged and her fiancé is a big time foodie too and loves chicken more than anything on this mother earth and was literally petrified at the thought that my cousin sister will make him quit eating non-veg too pyaar ke khaatir and all that. He owes me a big thank you now.. ;).

Any freaking ways, I love eating non-veg. When in college, going to eat out usually meant ordering only chicken. Vegetarians were outcasts. Me and my roomie (Harry) along with all our frenz were big time foodies and used to pity Vegetarians. We carnivores have chicken gravys, Tandoori chicken legs and breasts, Fried wings, mutton biryani, fried shrimps, chilly pork (the list can go on till whole world is covered thrice) to hog on and what have vegetarians got as options for eating out.. “freaking PANEER”. Paneer yeh and paneer woh... and it sucks if you ask me. Its like Nataraj Eraser dropped in gravy or at times fried and covered in sauce.

Some of u might not agree... u have all the right not to agree, free democratic nation after all. Vegetables are good, not denying that, even tasty at times. But paneer finger with beer does kinda suck... there is nothing better than tandoori chicken and Beer. This is national Punjabi combo and how can one not love it?
I don’t like being called a non-vegetarian, I prefer being called a carnivore. Non-vegetarian is a very negative word, makes me feel as if i’m doing something terribly wrong. “What!! u eat non-vegetables??”. Excuse my PJ’s, send me hate mails if you want.

I might go to hell for gluttony for sure... but so be it, i think its worth it. On top of that I eat innocent goats and chickens for my lunch... how bloody cruel of me. Oh my god, I think in HELL I’ll be tied to a big fucking pole, one end of which vanishes in the clouds with nothing around me, not even a shrub. There ll be scorching sun right over my head and I’ll be tied to that pole of infinite length in midst of desert with nothing on me.... stark naked!!. I’ll see a big cloud of dust at the horizon coming towards me. I squint my eyes to see a herd of goats running towards me. I realize that it is more like a sea of goats (rather than just a herd) a few moments latter and i can see anger in their eyes. Now m terrified and turn to see to see to my left that there is another flock of chickens running towards me doing “pakaak pakaak” in anger and stumbling on each other. And in my right i can see prawns and shrimps coming out of desert sand and gathering near my feet. I’ve never felt so helpless in my whole life and i close my eyes outta fear. I keep my eyes forced shut for a minute expecting worst to happen... but nothing. There is silence around me. I open my eyes slowly one at a time still petrified and through the settling dust i see one of the goats approaching towards me from the herd and looks me into eye and says “What u staring at?? We all died just so that u could fill that evil bottomless pit that u call tummy. Now the time has come... We’ll do to you what u have done to us. What u do unto others, same happens to u ... That’s wat happens in hell. Now u die MOTHERFUCKER”. I saw this and passed out, probably partly out of fear and partly out of surprise that a goat could talk and swear at me!!!.

But jokes apart, have u ever thought that even plants are living beings. Going by same logic that u should not eat living beings, u shouldn’t eat plants either. Just coz they can’t move around or making noises doesn’t mean they are not living beings. What if they have feelings too? What if they cry when they are uprooted or when they are robbed of their children, i.e. fruits? What if they shed tears when u rob them of their vegetables? U should just stop eating i say OR u can try not use ur head so much and eat whatever u like, “Its a goddamned food cycle, don look at me like that. Shut up and eat ur chicken leg”.

In fact i rather feel guilty when i drink milk. A healthy cow is supposed to give not more than 3 litres of milk per day. But they are injected with synthetic drugs so that they would give 8-10 litres of milk every day. And as obvious, that healthy cow which could have lived for another ten years dies in next three years. We do not just milk cows, we fucking murder them for milk. How is that now??

But i don wanna start centuries old debate... To be or not to be Vegetarian. I'm a carnivore and m very happy with that.

Good for u if u are a vegetarian, at least there is enough chicken left for me. And good for u if i’m a carnivore, at least there are enough vegetables for u.

But wat is more important is that we do not alienate ourselves from our food sources. In this time of Mc Donalds and KFC all that comes to our mind we someone says chicken is a crispy fried peice of chicken leg. Have u ever seen a wheat farm?? Have u ever seen a chicken being killed and skinned?? Have u ever seen a goat’s throat being slit before he becomes ur mutton??

Thanks to onslaught of packaged food, tremendous competition in retail fast food business and increasing population, there is a tremendous pressure on all food sources to keep our stomachs filled. So much so that we are ready to take the risk of trying genetically modified food, we pump our farms with never ending supplies of synthetic fertilizers and pesticides and we inject our livestocks with fatal synthetic drugs. We have forgot what organic food is, we have forgot where does our food actually comes from.

This reminds me of a video i had seen somewhere about how stupid Umreekans are. A five year old girl goes to local zoo with her mother. Her mother shows her a hen in cage and asks her “What is this?”. Girl quips and says “Chicken nuggets”!!!.
Eat healthy and stay healthy. Chop chop...

Beshtesht of jobs...

Most envious jobs ever… Not in the order though.

1. Bartender… mingle with and mix drinks for ppl and gulp down few shots yourself every once in a while.

2. Bouncer… bounce ppl who are trying to tickle your stripper galfren while she is giving it to the pole.

3. Stripper/hooker/gigolo/porn star… No gender discrimination here. Have sex all day and get paid too… its like having your cake and being able to eat it too. But you might have to change ya name … Siren or something like that.

4. Rockstar… do I need to say any more… ppl have written songs how they wanna even cut their hair and change their name … coz they all wanna be big rock stars.

5. Rock band manager… Manage a rock band. Big bucks, groopies and cheap drug and why would u want anything else other than that?

6. Fashion photographer… better if its kingfisher calendar photograph. Travel the whole india and click pics of gorgeous chicks… and get paid on top of that.

7. Author for a runaway hit (to the scale of five point someone”) novel/book … nevermind however sleazy it is.

8. Editor for a magazine… Not competition success review or woman’s review… something as cool as Maxim.

9. Standup comedian… U know u are crazy and good for nothing. Well, all you are good at is making a clown of yourself and laugh on yaself. Better do it on stage and get paid for it.

10. Business Baron… Lot of money to spend on whatever u want. U are in news even if u just sneeze or if your piss/poop is of unusual color. U can be Vijay Malaya and then u can throw parties, make and drink your own booze, wear a funny hat and go to Enrique concert and still ppl would think how cool u are!!!

11. Make ya own social networking site… be it anything, ppl will go at it just coz they are so jobless. Convert their clicks into money…. Simbly jushhht like that.

12. Drug dealer… Get high on the purest of stuff yourself and mix it with baking powder and pack them in small poly bags and sell it. Everyone loves u and needs you… be it an actor, rockstar, sports icon or just a usual drug junkie. One of the quickest ways to become a millionaire provided u don get killed in a gang war or get busted that is.

13. VJ… Blabber the first thing that pops into ya head… talk to ppl on phone in front of camera while they request for their favorite music and dedicate it to their so called loved ones.

14. DJ… Mix and play your own music in hippest of clubs. Work till late and party every night.

15. Psychologist… Listen to ppl talk bout themselves for an hour and charge them 500 bucks just like that. Once in a while fill them up with your psychobabble just to make them feel that u are doing your job.

16. Entrepreneur/Technopreneur… Make something new and hire ppl to work under you. Set up your own company and then sell it off for million dollars and retire at age of thirty and sit and eat for rest of ya life.

17. Game tester… Go to work in shorts… play all day on game console and get paid big bucks for it. How that one huh?

18. Open ya own engineering college… Stuff it with kids and charge them big bucks for anything and everything. Then u’ll be “vishawanathan” of your own world.

19. Yoga guru… Learn to inflate and deflate your belly and try to churn it if you can. Voila!!.. u are a yoga guru and you can cure ppl of any disease… even homosexuality.

20. Comic strip/graphic novel writer… Make your own comic strip like spider-man, shaktimaan or even Savita Bhabhi if u are into that kinda thing. Who knows u might me signed up soon by a movie studio to make ya comic into a movie. Talking of which… when is movie on Savita Bhabhi gonna come out… ???

All said and done… being jobless is still the best job ever. So much so that I’ve perfected the art doing nothing the whole day and OMG it feels good…